A Little More About My Condition (Part II)

Previously I spoke about some of the more debilitating aspects of my illness, aspects which have had a serious impact on me and my family. Today, I will talk about some of the other, less severe aspects. I say "less severe" because they have less of a direct impact on my life and my family's lives, but that is not to say they are not difficult to live with, nor have few or no consequences. They of course affect me throughout my daily life, and can range from mild embarrassment, to irritability, to major upset for me and my family.

I briefly touched upon my nervous ticks; these vary from blinking or squinting to twitchiness to sometimes a severe nodding of my head. It is an obsessive action; at times I have very limited control over it, and find myself, often doing so in public. I have not yet been diagnosed with Tourette syndrome – I do not have any impulse to emit sounds or words when I do this – however there are non-verbal forms of Tourettes, however for reasons unknown I have never been tested for it. Perhaps because I tend not to show signs of it in doctors’ offices, or because there is little in the way of treatment available. Aside from mild embarrassment at times (which honestly I’m now over), it causes me little harm.

Anxiety, on the other hand, is something that does tend to cause me harm. Mainly in the form of emotional stress. Anxiety is a natural reaction to situations caused by hardship, worry or emotional turmoil, and obviously it affects me under these circumstances, as much as anyone else; sometimes I’m fine, sometimes I’m not. My problem is it can also spring upon me for no reason whatsoever. It is directly linked to my depression, of that I’m certain; it usually shows up before, during and even after my bouts of depression, and the helplessness I feel when I am at my lowest is exacerbated by this anxiety. For instance, one of my techniques for taking myself out of depression is positive thought – thinking about the great things in my life, and how little, ultimately, I have to worry about – but this can easily be offset by the thought “but what if this happens; what if that happens?” I tend to keep my anxiety to myself, but my wife can usually tell when I’m badly suffering.

The insomnia is something I rarely suffer from anymore; having a small child will do that to you. I do still have mornings where I find it difficult to rise (and no, not just on mornings after a night on the tiles, ha ha), and I have days where I feel listless and hardly able to generate the will to peel myself from the couch. Again, depression plays a large part in this. “What’s the point?” I often wonder, but if I push past this, and try to enjoy the day, I usually do.

So that’s it, that’s all I got; that and the depression. But I genuinely do have many, many good days, where it all feels worth it, and I go to bed at night feeling I’ve achieved something positive, and I look forward to waking up in the morning. At one point in my life, that feeling was rare, but it’s happening more and more these days, and for that I am very thankful. Just as I am to you for reading this.

A Little More About My Condition (Part I)

I promised earlier I would speak of some of the other issues I have that accompany my depression. Some of these, I believe are in some ways a catalyst for my depression, and I am working hard on them, others, are maybe independent of my depression, or at least much more complicated to deal with. So here goes: I suffer from anxiety, I have anger issues, I have nervous ticks (bad to the extent my significant other believes they may be Tourette’s – more on that later), I have, in the past, been a victim of chronic insomnia, I can suffer from bouts of hysteria, and my mood can drop instantly into gloom.

As you can see; a veritable smorgasbord of mental health issues. And if you are reading this, perhaps either yourself or a loved one have a similar list. But to be fair, while not as severe, I think most people can make a list of things about their mind, their persona, they feel need improving. I certainly try not to let these get me down too much. With the exception of the anger issues, and some of my choices when I feel low, or weak, because these generally hurt the people I love.

Ok, let’s start with that. How bad is my anger? How bad are my decisions when I feel my worst? Well the anger is more of an open-ended frustration, a surge of negative feeling that pops like a champagne cork when even the smallest thing goes wrong. I don’t beat my wife or kids, but I can occasionally make it hard for them to be around me. Does this make me depressed? Does it chip away at my psyche, my mental health, my happiness? Absolutely. But I also believe, as well as being a contributor to my depression, it is also an outcome of my depression. I am not trying to make excuses, this is something that I’m working hard on, and I have found that the less depressed I am, the more amiable I am in general. Essentially it is a cycle. At this point, I would like to point out, if your anger is such that you are violent, to anyone, particularly your family, that doesn’t mean you are necessarily a bad person, but you need help now, so get off the internet and go see a professional. Now!

I also touched on the fact that I sometimes make bad decisions when depressed or anxious, which means I drink alcohol. Usually too much. I’m not saying, by any means, that drinking alcohol, or indulging in any enjoyable pastime or vice is wrong (that’s my real name on this blog, and one thing I refuse to do is judge), but when you drink, or do drugs, or do anything which affects your judgement, while in a negative frame of mind, the outcome can be very regrettable. For me, the worst has been massive, unfair and unsolicited arguments with my wife, and that’s bad enough. And while she is very supportive and accepting of my condition and behaviour, I’m terrified I will ruin what I have someday. So I keep working hard on getting better, on being happier.

Those, for me, are the two worst things about my disease, about my mental health problems, because, as I said, they affect my family. The others though, aren’t always a picnic. I’ll talk about those in my next post, as I think the above is enough to chew on, for now. Particularly if you are affected by, or suffer from them. I will be happy to answer any questions about this, and I appreciate your understanding. Bye for now.

Taking Time for You

I’m up early this morning. It feels good to wake up before the rest of the family sometimes. Especially when it’s not for work, or an appointment or any other reason that might cause me to stumble sleepy-eyed into the shower, pour half a gallon of coffee down my throat and climb into the car. I can just relax, look out the window at the burgeoning daylight, maybe put Sportscenter on (a rarity in my house), and basically make time for me.

Making time for oneself is one thing I find so many people deny themselves. They’ll fill their schedule with work, errands, and chores. They’ll even spend their downtime playing with the kids, golfing with friends, shopping with their girlfriend, but not making any time for themselves. Don’t get me wrong, these are all crucially important things in your life: a career, friends family are the cornerstones of a happy life, but the center of all that is the person you look at in the mirror every day.

Without making time for yourself, to think about your future, your past, some of the things that make you the special person you are, can leave you missing something. Taking time to do the things you enjoy exclusively, basking in your own company, even conversing with oneself, these are some of the best gifts you can give yourself.

If you only make time for work, your friends, your family, what then is left for you? How do you learn about yourself? How do you discover who you are? How do you free your mind up to see where you are going in life, and whether you even want to take that direction?

Of course I’m not asking anybody to be a loner. As I said, filling your life with as much positivity as possible, with as many people and passions as you can is what makes a life. But every now and then we need to reflect on whether we have the right people, or if our passions are really just responsibilities and chores that we do because, well, it’s what we do.

I urge you all to take 20 – 30 minutes a day, and give it to yourself, be it your lunch break, a coffee before work (in a soft chair, not behind the wheel), or a short evening walk alone. You’ll be amazed at how clear-minded and happier you feel afterwards.

So, what are you still on the internet for? Chop chop... ;-) 

A Bad Day

For my second post I had planned on talking about some of the other conditions which seem to accompany my depression, such as anxiety, irritability, anger and even nervous ticks. But instead I got side tracked. Today I feel terrible. I feel blue, low, down-in-the-dumps, and even a little bit peed off.
Oh I’ve taken my medication, and I’ve tried positive thought, even beginning this post isn’t as cathartic as I hoped it might be. To make matters work, I’m at work, and really I’d rather sit alone than “network” with colleagues. And so I have been for the last three hours.
This isn’t good, and it certainly is not healthy; I’ve learned over the years to recognize these emotional trends, but like a plane hurtling towards the ground, pulling out of it is the hard part.
Of course it doesn’t help that I got very little sleep, and it doesn’t help that there are bills to be paid and paid pronto. These are problems that we all have to deal with. These are things that help to make up the fabric of what we call life, and me spiraling into the darkness is not the solution. But as I already pointed out, I can’t shake it off. So what then? What do I do now?
Well I’ve got a few ideas, so allow me to be a guinea pig for the afternoon:
The first thing I discovered, as a means of breaking out of a funk is what I call active reinforcement. Rather than sit and sulk about whatever it might be that's upsetting you, try tackling it head on. For instance, as I alluded to earlier, I'm not enjoying work right now. Unfortunately, I can't. Very well leave right now and cry over a beer. So what can I do? Well, I can go talk to my colleagues. I can discuss with them the positives of some of the project we are working on right now. I can tell them what a great job their doing. That alone should make me feel more empowered, more confident. But added to that is the likelihood that they might reciprocate. That they might tell me the great and the good I'm bringing to the table. What better wayto kickstart my mood then that?
Another option, is passive reinforcement. This is a standard CBT trick and what it essentially means is simply sitting down and going through everything that you have to feel good about. Things like family, friends, your health maybe a good job, some money in the bank, etc. Some of these might seem superficial at first sight; what's money in the bank compared to family, you might ask, but when you drill down, you can realise that it all comes from a positive force in your life, and that usually stems from yourself. What you will also find is there are lots of them.
Writing this blog has actually cheered me up quite a bit. but you know, I'm still going to try these exercises. After all, what is there to lose?

Introduction

Hi there, my name is David Murphy and I, like many, suffer from depression. I want this blog to be an open and honest account of what it is like to deal with and overcome depression.
I believe that I can control my depression and I know that even though at times it will continue to affect me, I can get right back on top of it, and live a happy life.
Let me start by saying that I want to be as fully transparent about this disease as possible. Depression is sometimes treated by some as more a weakness, a mental weakness, than a disease, but it can be, and often is, a debilitating, crushing and fatal disease.
I have been on anti-depressants for over a year now. I began taking Lustral, which I found initially to be highly effective in the treatment of my symptoms. However being unused to taking medication on a daily basis, I often went days without taking it. This tampered with the overall efficacy of the drug, and even when I became more disciplined, I found the drug no longer had the desired effect. So I moved on to my second anti-depressant: effexor. This drug, unfortunately was simply not for me, I noticed a number of side effects, from brain-zaps to inorgasmia. And while I am sure this drug is effective for many, for me it was time to move on.
I am now, and have been taking Cymbalta for the past eight months. The results have been better than I could have imagined. I now find it much, much easier to control my darker moments, and find that when my mood does falter, it passes much more quickly; where before my depression has, at times, lasted weeks, it can sometimes clear up in a matter of hours, and often days.
Do I tell people I take medication for my mental state? No. Would I? Absolutely. It's not a fact I advertise freely because frankly, there are only a few people who I feel need to know. But I am certainly not embarrassed by the fact that I suffer from depression. It is a disease, just like Crohn's or MS – debilitating at it's worst, barely tolerable at best – and one that requires no stigma, but instead support and guidance. That is why I will happily continue to use my real name on this blog, and as I said, be as open and transparent with my daily life as possible.

Nice to meet you, and I hope to get better with you over the course of this blog.