I promised earlier I would speak of some of the other issues I have that accompany my depression. Some of these, I believe are in some ways a catalyst for my depression, and I am working hard on them, others, are maybe independent of my depression, or at least much more complicated to deal with. So here goes: I suffer from anxiety, I have anger issues, I have nervous ticks (bad to the extent my significant other believes they may be Tourette’s – more on that later), I have, in the past, been a victim of chronic insomnia, I can suffer from bouts of hysteria, and my mood can drop instantly into gloom.
As you can see; a veritable smorgasbord of mental health issues. And if you are reading this, perhaps either yourself or a loved one have a similar list. But to be fair, while not as severe, I think most people can make a list of things about their mind, their persona, they feel need improving. I certainly try not to let these get me down too much. With the exception of the anger issues, and some of my choices when I feel low, or weak, because these generally hurt the people I love.
Ok, let’s start with that. How bad is my anger? How bad are my decisions when I feel my worst? Well the anger is more of an open-ended frustration, a surge of negative feeling that pops like a champagne cork when even the smallest thing goes wrong. I don’t beat my wife or kids, but I can occasionally make it hard for them to be around me. Does this make me depressed? Does it chip away at my psyche, my mental health, my happiness? Absolutely. But I also believe, as well as being a contributor to my depression, it is also an outcome of my depression. I am not trying to make excuses, this is something that I’m working hard on, and I have found that the less depressed I am, the more amiable I am in general. Essentially it is a cycle. At this point, I would like to point out, if your anger is such that you are violent, to anyone, particularly your family, that doesn’t mean you are necessarily a bad person, but you need help now, so get off the internet and go see a professional. Now!
I also touched on the fact that I sometimes make bad decisions when depressed or anxious, which means I drink alcohol. Usually too much. I’m not saying, by any means, that drinking alcohol, or indulging in any enjoyable pastime or vice is wrong (that’s my real name on this blog, and one thing I refuse to do is judge), but when you drink, or do drugs, or do anything which affects your judgement, while in a negative frame of mind, the outcome can be very regrettable. For me, the worst has been massive, unfair and unsolicited arguments with my wife, and that’s bad enough. And while she is very supportive and accepting of my condition and behaviour, I’m terrified I will ruin what I have someday. So I keep working hard on getting better, on being happier.
Those, for me, are the two worst things about my disease, about my mental health problems, because, as I said, they affect my family. The others though, aren’t always a picnic. I’ll talk about those in my next post, as I think the above is enough to chew on, for now. Particularly if you are affected by, or suffer from them. I will be happy to answer any questions about this, and I appreciate your understanding. Bye for now.
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